Crust

May 1, 2011

It was my birthday, Monday, March 21, 2011, in the mountains of Kokee on the west side of Kauai. My intrepid friends, Jerry and Ed, a wonderfully kind and energetic gay couple had arrived ahead of me at a splendid old cabin. A friend of my older brother, Michaelson, gave me the use of his family’s cabin for a short birthday holiday. Michaelson died over 30 years ago and he was 14 years older than I. His friend Bill, who knew my brother from Waimea High School,is my neighbor in a condo complex. We met for the first time in the shared parking lot less than a year ago. Somehow, on Kauai, bonds of friendship go a long way, real long. Mama Kauai definitely has her schedules planned for her children near and far, real far.This friendship extended far beyond death, decades and thousands of miles, until it reached me, bruddah Bill’s new neighbor. Wow! Who knew? For my birthday , bruddah Bill entrusted me with a treasured family retreat and left us fresh cut wild orchids , ginger blossoms, lots of toilet paper and 4 pages of meticulous instructions, including diagrams and photos, regarding the water heater, circuit breakers, fireplace etc.. Wow! What a good guy..Anyway, more about bruddah Bill and Michaelson later.
Very fortuitous for me, my intrepid gay brothers Jerry and Ed arrived ahead of me on Sunday afternoon. They read and followed the 4 pages of instructions perfectly and arranged the freshly cut flowers in vases so thoughtfully and beautifully. By the time I arrived, late that afternoon, I felt like I had entered a charming, rustic bed and breakfast. The stew they had prepared at home was warming on the stove, the rice was cooking and the table was set with flowers and hot green tea. My biological gay brother, Matthews, and his partner could not have done any better. Being a middle aged, partnerless old lesbian who has always rented cheap apartments , Jerry and Ed’s kindness, domestic and homeownership skills were more than appreciated. My brother Matthews’ partner, Kevin has been fond of calling me a ” Dykesaurus” for many years. I do feel more and more like an ancient relic with each passing year, but I have to admit it felt nice to be treated like a loved, 54 year old fossil.

An auspicious event occurred on the eve of my birthday. It was a full moon which was in the nearest orbit to the earth’s surface in 200 years. The three of us walked out into the cool, mountain evening, felt awe inspired and full of delicious hot stew and rice. We quickly returned to the cozy cabin and immediately went to sleep. My contribution to the evenings festivity was a freshly baked lemon pie from the Pie Lady. I helped make the crust and she baked it. After work on the same Sunday, she sent me off to the mountains with my favorite pie . Yet, another gift for an unexpectedly auspicious day.

Next day, on my birthday, Monday, March 21st, we had a fabulous birthday lunch of leftover stew and lemon pie with a lit candle. I blew out the candle and made a wish for peace and happiness for myself and all old fossils still walking the earth. Little did I know that on this most humble and ordinary of occasions, a deep and auspicious bond of friendship was being forged between us. Before lunch, we had set off on a short hike along the rim of Kalalau lookout. It was a very familiar drive along the well paved curvy road. The weekend was over and there were very few cars. When we reached the lookout, it was almost empty of people and the view from high atop the the valley’s rim all the way down to the sea was absolutely beautiful, as always, just as I remember it.
The sky and sea shimmer in such vast similarity it is hard to distinguish where one ends and the other begins. The ethereal clouds seem still and for an endless moment verdant green valley ridges, the red floor, blue sea and sky join into a panorama of color and sculpture which appears to be an experience of perfect beauty like a Faberge egg held between your thumb and index finger.

A Faberge egg, a gem of mother nature and human hands. A bejeweled egg, an impeccable melding of natures design and human artistry. Stunning in its simplicity and extraordinary intricacy. Such is Mother Kalalau, to an infinitely exponential
degree, she is simple and sublime, utterly mysterious and familiar. To behold her with your eyes , is to hold her in your hand, like a Faberge egg held between your thumb and index finger. Mesmerizing, she spins in a blur of color, texture, coolness, fragrance and subtle bird song. A fragile, elegant, delicate and deliciously intimate majesty. It is a symphony of silence, powerful and exquisite. Spinning in absolute stillness until the egg is dropped, when a helicopter swoops into view, noisily interrupting your moment with eternity.

Ed needs to return to Lihue Town for an Aides support fund raiser meeting. We bid our private Aloha to Mother Kalalau and start walking back to the car. Along the way, we talk about our varied experiences here in Kokee, especially because Ed an Jerry are avid hikers. Jerry was born and raised on the west side too. Ed was raised on the mainland , but has relatives on Kauai. They met in Los Angeles, CA but have lived together here for 20 years. Jerry talked about his hikes into Kalalau Valley. I was touched by his reverence and extensive knowledge of such a complex and rugged environment. Just before leaving the lookout, nearing the parking lot, I had a funny thought. Like a tiny drew drop falling from a hidden leaf into my ear. It felt ticklish, silly and seemingly profound. We are a fellowship, I thought. The three of us form a fellowship. The handsome, recently retired Gay couple, and the Dykesaurus form a fellowship. I tap Ed on his shoulder while he leads the way to the car. He patiently turns to listen me,starts walking beside me, knowing he can’t be late for his meeting. I quickly mention Tolkien’s Hobbit stories and suggest that perhaps we are not only friends, but a fellowship. I chuckle quietly and suggest we might be like” Frodo and the Fellowship of the Ring”. I say, maybe we’re “Gaydo and the Fellowship of the Crust”. Ed’s eyes open wide, he smiles, gently laughs, keeps walking and asks,” What are we looking for?” Without a moment’s hesitation, I respond, ” We’re looking for the heart of the pie, Ed, we’re looking for the heart of the pie.” Jerry has been silently listening and gestures toward the car. We all get in, take in a deep breath of rest and relief, then silently drive back to the cabin.

At the cabin, we hurriedly, but efficiently got Ed packed up for his trip back to Lihue for the meeting. Jerry decided to hang out with me for the rest of the day and then we will both return home on the following afternoon. Jerry guides me on a fun hike along the canyon to the top of a waterfall. There are small pools along a cliffside, just before the stream becomes a waterfall, dropping into the canyon. Its fun. I pretend I’m a canyon goat with anti-gravity boots. I try to closely follow Jerry as he jumps and leaps about. I spot a goat peaking around the corner of a ridge. The goat appears to be trotting along horizontally along a vertical rock wall. It looks like an astronaut enjoying zero gravity, totally weightless and fearless, choosing to walk on the ceilings and walls instead of the boring floor.

When we reach the pools above the waterfall, it feels so small, safe and secluded. Then you walk toward the edge where the stream begins to cascade down, you realize how high up it is. Yet, at such high elevations, the warmth of the sun,the hot stones, cool flowing water and the warm comforting colors of the canyon gave me such a sense of calm as well as exhilaration. I just wanted to be a goat and live here full time. Jerry and I sat at the edge of the waterfall just happy to be there, watching the goats watch us in dismay.

The sun was about to set. We left the waterfall to catch the sunset from a tourist
scenic lookout. When we got there, the sky was darkening and the warm sunset colors of pink,gold and orange against the red canyon walls felt like a blanket being tucked over the earth. From the safety of standing behind a big metal railing, Jerry leaned over and pointed out the waterfall we were just hanging our toes over. I gasped at how high it was and the deadly steepness of the vertical drop to the Waimea Valley floor. From this vantage point, living the life of a wild goat way up here did not look like too much fun.
Jerry then pointed out the opposite direction toward the ocean. We could see at a far distance, Port Allen and Hanapepe Town begin to light up along the coastline. Snug along the seashore, the tiny lights looked like a small cluster of stars. It was a fleeting glimpse of another galaxy disappearing into a black universe. The canyon was another world completely. I was starting to feel the chill of nightfall in Kokee.

The last time I spent the night in Kokee, I must have been around 9 years old at the
Camp Sloggett Girls Scout Camp. It was the first time I ate S’mores. The hot, gooey
roasted marshmallow ball squooshed between graham crackers with a melting chunk of chocolate. It took the chill out of that dark scary night so far away from Hanapepe. I brought all that stuff for us, but we were just too tired to bother making a fire to roast the marshmallows. We took our showers, ate dinner and went right to sleep. Gay and Lesbian Camp is pretty quiet up here in Kokee.

Next morning started out drizzly and stayed that way until noon time. Jerry suggested we try a trail which would take us to a breath taking Kalalau Valley ridge site. He kept repeating though, “it’s all at the end”. The 3 mile trail was mostly a heavily forested canopy.The plants were nice along the way, but that was it until the end. Nearing the end, we saw danger signs warning us stay away from the edge of the valley ridges. The signs warned of sudden erosion and landslides which could kill hikers. STAY AWAY FROM THE EDGE the signs warned. When we got to “the end”,
it truly was breath taking. Myself, Jerry and a young tourist couple all had to catch our breath, sit down and just stare out into the beauty. The ridges were extremely steep and the edges very closeby. It was gently and terrifyingly beautiful, both unreal and too real.

The possibility of death felt all too real. It’s strange how the fear of death instantly makes you cling to life so dearly, especially on the edge of a cliff. Staring at the edge of eternity is however, extremely seductive. It brings you to a place of such intimacy with yourself, alone that the temptation to look beyond your fear is intensely present and pressing in every fiber and molecule of your being. It was like the ground I so dearly needed to be firmly under my feet had now turned itself upside down and was now daring me to take a step and find out if I would fall to my death or float or maybe even fly.

This moment of indecision felt like I was standing on my head with the ground still
under my feet. I was being squeezed between yes and no. So I chose yes. I crawled
out onto the precipice then stood up at the very end, like standing at the tip of a compass point facing nowhere.Sudden erosion occurred, not of the earth, but of the spirit. A landslide of rock, boulders, mountains of dirt, carrying regret, guilt, blame, anger, shame and most of all self hatred fell from my neck, shoulders, chest and my gut.

It was like Mother Kalalau had attached her umbilical cord to my piko, my belly button, and like a vacuum was sucking out all the ancient poisons of my being. All the rocks, dirt, and crap, every burden I held inside fell away. Then her umbilical cord sucked up every last bit of debris that was cluttering up my soul, littering my spirit. In an instant, a nano second, a half a blink, my neck, back and shoulders, the center of my chest, the bottom of my spine felt light and strong. Job done, her cord dropped back into the valley. A flash flood followed, rushing through me, a cleansing force washing away the wounds smoothing away the scars, generations of suffering disappeared into the valley below. The top of my head, the skull itself softened and my third eye opened wide.

Finally, I felt a whoosh of energy lift me, turn me around and walk me right
back to where I started, but this time with courage and confidence. ” You’re brave”, the young tourist couple said. I knew they were right. I finally felt the courage to be
myself. I felt I belonged to a place and I had a unique purpose. I did not have
a plan, but I wasn’t worried. Mama Kauai is taking care. She is watching, listening, guiding and comforting all her children, always. Mama is always here, now and forever. I knew it , I felt it and I was ready to live it. I saw it in the layers of color etched in the valley walls and in the canyon. I occupy an indelible bit of time and space in the midst of eternity. My soul like all other souls serve a specific purpose, in a specific place. When death comes the bit of dust we return to will join with all the other bits of dust to mark our place in the crust of mother earth,layer upon layer, all souls, beating in the heart of One Mother, glistening in the light of One Love.